AN OVERVIEW
I still find it amusing, years ago I read somewhere about a psychiatrist who had said: I've got five patients who are millionaires. They are all depressed.
Don't we picture a millionaire as a person who is rich and has the monetary means to buy anything he or she desires? Surely, that is a key to permanent happiness.
Or is it?
Can we be poor, regardless of our material well-being? Moreover, at a time when CHILD POVERTY has become an every-day topic, is there a danger that the notion: Poverty, unintentionally, may impoverish our children's minds, and in more ways than one? Could it become a blueprint for failure once they have reached adulthood?
I believe so and, what's more, I believe that this kind of poverty is not necessarily restricted to poor people. Although the poor are more vulnerable, it can happen in any family. Let us examine some of the ways that may entrap a child into this kind of poverty and what we can do to avert the danger.
DO WE PROGRAM OUR CHILDREN FOR FAILURE?
How does poverty of the mind start?
Recently a teacher told me she was asked to take care of a three and a half year old for an hour or so.
"I am a useless boy", the child remarked.
"Who told you?"
"My mum".
Consequently the teacher found that the mother, habitually, subjected her child to a barrage of insults and comments about his supposed worthlessness. This boy was programmed into believing that he was a useless being and probably even made feel guilty about just being there. We may assume that this case is an exception rather than the rule. It shows, however, how commonly children are victimised by disparaging remarks and ridiculing labels. Even conscientious adults sometimes may find it hard to avoid saying like: "You are hopeless... you can't do this... grow some brains..."
The repetition of insults and negative messages, however, leaves a scar in children's minds. During the years when children seek to find their place in the world and develop the foundations of their future adults attitudes and behaviours, such 'programming' is a sure way to create problems. Unwittingly, children come to believe those utterances. Without being aware of it they act them out accordingly. In the meantime, their damaged self-esteem opens the door to all sorts of neurotic and antisocial behaviours.
Haven't we all met people who obviously were affected in this way? Unable to find the way out of their psychological tangle they are also unaware of another impoverishing process: Negative Self Talk. Without being consciously aware of it, their minds repeat and repeat those messages they have heard so often in childhood. Like a thief in the night, those negative suggestions rob the person's success, enjoyment and fulfilment of life.
In a similar way, the unconscious self talk: 'We Are Poor', may be imprinted so deeply into the child's memory banks that it dictates future poverty in the real world. I have known people who, later in their lives, became wealthy, yet hardly dared to enjoy their well-earned status. They continued to live - according to their established blueprint - in virtual poverty. What are ways to counteract such negative programming?
THE PERSONALITY
In spite of all the talk about acting 'cool' and mumbling their speech that we so often find among today's youngsters, one quality for success in life is being able to speak clearly and confidently and to really comprehend what is being said to them.
Developing those qualities begins with parents communicating with their child from the earliest days. Talking and singing to the child, touching and eye contact are foundation stones for a more effective personality later in life. If a parent neglects this communication, the child's later social skills and learning abilities are likely to be impoverished.
This becomes obvious first once they go to school. Unable to really comprehend what is being said in class, they fall behind. Some may be lucky and find an adult who has the time, the skill and patience to help them on the way. As preventative resources are underfunded and always the first to be reduced or cut out, however, many more get bogged down in confusion and may convince themselves that they are unable to learn. They may even switch off altogether, become underachievers and later join the league of illiterates.
A few years later, their lack of communication skills and lack of confidence prevents them from establishing rapport and trust when talking to others. Hopelessly lost in job interviews, they are unable to convince an employer of their real abilities. so they are rejected time and again.
THE OUTCOME
Situations that lead to mind poverty often remain unrecognised by parents and other adults. Especially younger children who are affected in this way simply hurt. Often they believe they are the only ones in the world who feel this way. As a rule, children cannot express their deeper sorrows in words which an adult would accept and believe, so they feel isolated. Is it any wonder that their symptoms appear in the disguise of regression, bed wetting, unexplained illnesses and a host of inappropriate behaviours? Not knowing the true cause of such conduct alienates the frustrated parents from their children even further. Examples of this kind of poverty in the child's mind are feelings of hopeless, helplessness, loneliness, depression, unresolved issues, guilt, fear of emotional or actual desertion, the feeling that the parent is on a 'different wavelength' and/or doesn't really care for the child, and so the list continues. Of course, none of these motivate a child to advance, to learn and to achieve.
The worst of these cases turn into juvenile delinquents. Embittered and disillusioned they take revenge on a hostile society which, as they see it, doesn't care for them, has deserted them. The tax payer ' you and me ' foot the bill.
MENTAL HYGIENE
At a time of ever-increasing speed and complexity, what could be more important than prepare our children for the stress and the demands they will have to face later in their lifetime?
One documentary on TV suggested that teenage suicides has become a major problem in many parts of the world. And that is surely only the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface there is a host of fears, doubts and other forms of distress. When does our society become aware of the need for prevention, become aware of the fact that emotional disturbances that are created in early childhood are likely to become major problems in that individual's later life?
PROGRAMMING FOR FAILURE
We are at the cross roads. The question is, do we really care for our children, our children's future and for the future of this planet or do we not?
If the answer is NO, then
... let our children continue to watch, without guidance, on television the idiotic manner of driving cars, violent activities and mass extermination with all sorts of weapons whilst we, adults, ENJOY, if not even SUPPORT such entertainment. There is no reason why the next generation should not follow the examples they have been conditioned to at their most impressionable age.
...tell them how stupid and how useless they are, and at least once every day. If we are thorough enough, sooner or later it becomes part of their personality and they will perform accordingly.
...simply bash then whenever there is the slightest reason. Who cares if the little boy, twenty or thirty years later, may become the wife- and child basher. He will bash without even knowing it. (Yes, I have come across such cases. One commented: "I hit before I know it. Then it's too late.") Domestic violence for this person had become a way of life, a deeply ingrained behaviour pattern from his early days. By the time the seeds bear their evil fruit, the causes will have long been forgotten. The blame is put on the now adult. Some will even go to jail for their misdeeds while the guilty possibly lie innocently in their graves.
How can we prevent our children from following the examples presented on TV without telling them that often those programmes show how NOT to behave?
How can we expect our children to become good citizens if we tell them how bad they are?
How can we bring them up as enemies and expect them to grow up into peace-loving adults?
Everyone who works in the social area knows that situations of this kind do exist in many of our society's families. Often transmitted from one generation to the next, they are sure-fire ways to create poverty of the child's mind.
PROGRAMMING FOR SUCCESS
If the answer is yes, we do want to create a better future world, then radical rethinking is needed. Well have to wipe out that very kind of poverty we have discussed so far. We'll have to ENRICH our children's MINDS.
No-one would suggest that this is an easy task for the parent who is struggling to keep the family housed, fed and clothed or the mother who has to go out to work to make ends meet and look after the household chores as well.
Looking at it from as different perspective, however, how EXPENSIVE, really, is it to prevent poverty the child's mind?
THE COST FOR SUCH PROGRESS
It does not cost anything to realise that every child has certain demands which must be met if s/he is to grow up into a successful adult.
Every child want to be accepted. Every child wants to feel physically and emotionally safe. Every child has the need for trusting communication with at least one adult. Those, for a start, are some of the important steps toward mental health.
Lucky is the parent who respects the child as an individual being with a set of values and aptitudes that will never be repeated in the history of mankind. The child will duplicate the example and show a similar respect toward the parent in return.
Authorities like Bettelheim and Spock stress the importance of friendship between parent and child. Mutual respect goes hand-in-hand with friendship. It enriches the parent-child relationship and, with it, the child's mind.
It doesn't cost anything to talk to the child, to respond to his/her growing need to converse, to communicate feelings and - according to the degree of maturity - exchange ideas in a meaningful way. Even the busiest parent will find times for periods of exclusive and regular parent-child togetherness.
To encourage the child to communicate with other adults and relatives is an additional resource. A variety of social interactions during the childhood years will go a long way toward social competence later.
PARENTS ARE THE ANSWER
The principal force in the successful raising of the child are the parents. For better or for worse, the child's first teachers are the parents. The parents set the fundamental course for their child's emotions, intellect and capabilities.
What is more important, nature or nurture? The debate has been going on for years. It is important, however, to realise that, until time travel is invented and we can return to the moment of conception to select another combination of genes, inherited attributes are fixed. It is the environment which is mostly in our control and is, therefore, our responsibility and our chance to help our children grow up with a positive outlook.
Inherited, and in combination from countless ancestors, every newly-born child brings into the world a rich potential. During the growing-up years it is inevitable that parts of that decays and gets wasted. And yet, enlightened parents will trust the child's inborn forces which impel to progress, to learn and to become adult. The parents present a rich environment and allow their children to explore their world in a progressive manner.
By avoiding any negative conditioning such as we have have discussed earlier, they are already half way on the road to success. Those parents also put a high priority on communication from parent to child AND child to parent. They are keenly aware of the balance between over control on one hand and equally destructive over-permissiveness on the other. Moreover, they realise that the way they bring up their children sets an example for generations to follow.
Parent education, sadly, is not a preferred subject in our world. To introduce it as a subject in school, possibly from the upper primary years up, may remain wishful thinking for some time to come. We can only hope that much greater awareness in the task of parenting will be created in the future and help so many in, what so often has been described as 'mankind's most important and most complex task'.
CONFIDENCE, OPTIMISM AND A REALISTIC SELF-IMAGE
What more can be done?
1) Everyone, every adult and every child needs an AIM. An aim leads to motivation. For the younger child it may be saving up for a wanted toy. For the teenager the mastery of a skill, participate in a philosophy or a religion may provide an aim. Or perhaps a compulsion to climb mountains or establish a new record on the surfboard. One aim achieved successfully leads to the next.
2) An optimistic viewpoint. Accept the ills and problems that do exist as a challenge to make things better.
3) A sound and realistic self esteem. A person who has been encouraged to develop this gift has no need to waste psychological defences on imagined enemies, has no need to put others down. S/he is well adjusted, has a confident personality and is able to take a useful place in society.
THE CHALLENGE
It is everyone's choice to look at the positives or the negatives in the world. Anxiety about atomic warfare is one example of how we can be blinded into pessimism in a world that, in spite of everything, has never had so many opportunities, has never been so exciting and never been so safe. As a society, we are so used to not looking at the hole of the proverbial doughnut, we look through the hole and deny that there is a doughnut at all. That is what those five millionaires, mentioned earlier, did. That's an example of metal poverty. It is a pessimistic attitude. It is a recipe for an impoverished life.
The challenge is to realise that the majority of the forces that shape our lives are within us. Therefore, ensure that richer thinking and positive attitudes are introduced to the individual from the child's earliest days. The challenge is that parents, teachers, relatives and other adults, anyone who works or interacts with children, conveys a spirit of optimism, a gift which is so badly needed to succeed in todays and tomorrows world.
And that doesn't cost even a cent, don't you agree?
© 1988 Peter Schmedding
